May 31, 2007

Today, I will propose to a stranger and then get cold feet when I'm asked to "fuck off".

May 30, 2007

Today, I will slip on an apple peel and come to understand two rules of fruit-based falls:
bananas=hilarious
apples=very, very sad.

May 29, 2007

Today, I will study the way kittens look at me. For science.

May 23, 2007

Today, it being a Wednesday, I will practice the Electric Slide.

May 22, 2007

Today, I will spot Bigfoot on a spaceship and photograph nothing.

May 18, 2007

Today, I will weave a basket out of my hair and put my tears into it.

May 17, 2007

Today, I will be shocked to discover that John Turturro is in the Transformers movie.

Bonus content: Since I missed yesterday, I thought I'd note that I learned this from the new Transformers trailer and that the trailer features a part where the yellow car robot is getting electrocuted: this scene will undoubtedly make me weep like a baby if I ever actually see the film.

May 15, 2007

Today, I will celebrate the anniversary of my birth.

May 14, 2007

Today, I will drive a Formula-1 race car so fast, it will, through the principles of Einstein's general theory of relativity, become a Formula-0.

May 11, 2007

Today, I will light up everyone's life. With a machete reflecting in the sun. Ooh! Lens flare!!!!

May 10, 2007

Today, I will give a speech about abortion, describing my position on the topic to everyone. My position: I am one. Thank you!

May 9, 2007

Today I will forget myself and become Robocop. I will hope that tomorrow never arrives.

May 8, 2007

Today, I will determine the worthiness of other people based on their attractiveness and call myself normal.

May 7, 2007

Today, I will break into my own house and steal my computer, hack into my checking account, and purchase a mule. When the mule shows up, I will try to explain the concept of identity theft to it. The mule will not understand and I will attribute this to stubbornness.

May 4, 2007

Today, I will deep-fry my soul and tenderize my heart in preparation for the all-you-can-eat-of-me buffet that is the weekend.

May 3, 2007

Today, I will solve the mystery of the disappearing bees. The answer: they're all on strike. Then I will call the ghost of President Calvin Coolidge to get these lazy red bees back to work!

May 2, 2007

Today, I will celebrate dos-de-mayo by doubling the amount of mayonnaise I put on my sandwiches while shouting "MUCHO DE MAYO!"

May 1, 2007

Today, I will eat 22 mayflies while throwing a javelin at some naked women.