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September 7, 2007

Today, I will find out that life has a twist ending. As it turns out, it's all a dream and I'm really Hitler! What a mess.

September 1, 2007

Today I will celebrate one year in Portland, or as I like to call it, the best place in the world.

August 31, 2007

Today, I will celebrate my 101st post by watching 102 Dalmations for the 103rd time.

August 30, 2007

Today I will find a man in a trashcan. I will name him Oscar. He will not get the joke, but will be grateful when I take him home.

August 29, 2007

Today, I will elect myself president of public restrooms and declare them off-limits to Republicans.

August 28, 2007

Today, I will realize that my goals are far too lofty.

August 26, 2007

Today, I will reflect that I did indeed deserve the day off yesterday after such a brilliant plan was hatched on Friday.

August 24, 2007

Today, I will make a condominium for prairie dogs consisting of cardboard boxes and hot wheels ramps.

August 23, 2007

Today I will speak to tongues in Latin and hope that they catch what I'm trying to say (I want to fuck them).

August 22, 2007

Today, I will kiss you in the smile.

August 21, 2007

Toay i will typea on as newww keybrd

August 20, 2007

Today I will file for separation from my lawyer. He's so good, I'm sure he'll get the car.

August 19, 2007

Today I will go to a nude beach and see Bigfoot without his feet on.

August 18, 2007

Today, I will go to the antiques road show with a hunk of finely aged cheese!

August 17, 2007

Today I will be attending something called LiveWire.

I hope it turns out better than when I attended something called "The Third Rail"

August 16, 2007

Today, I will remember why John Stewart is a wonderful, wonderful man.

August 15, 2007

Today, I will regret that an illness prevented me from posting yesterday. Sick day! It... doesn't count, right??? Right??? RIGHT???

August 13, 2007

Today, I will blog from a phone while waiting forever.

August 12, 2007

Today I will stick my fingers in my armpits and then sniff them, in order to determine if I remembered to apply deoderant. I will not have.

August 11, 2007

Today, I will watch Alien: Resurrection and wish they had just stopped at Aliens.

August 10, 2007

Today I will bake I cake, because I know you're coming and we're all very, very hungry.

August 9, 2007

Today, as I do every year, I will celebrate national Buck Henry day!

Buck Henry knows just how to have a day on his behalf! He celebrates by being in pictures!

August 8, 2007

Today, with hours to spare, I will watch the clock run down and at midnight, declare this day of Crazy Eights to be OVER!

August 7, 2007

Today I will play with my Go-bots in hopes that this action will inspire someone to tell their story on the silver screen. Optimus Prime can go transform himself.

August 6, 2007

Today, I will remember the Alamo and wonder what the hell that was all about.

August 5, 2007

Today, my brain will say "yes" but my heart will say "no" and I will spend most of my day trying to get each to agree to "maybe". When that is accomplished I will stab both of them.

August 4, 2007

Today I will chase away the ghouls with a stick covered in honey. (Ghouls hate honey and, oh yeah, also Baseball.)

August 3, 2007

Today, I will finally learn how to tie a bowline knot.

August 2, 2007

Today, I will celebrate this video by watching it forty nine times. I believe the music at the end is probably the funniest synchronization of music and moving pictures. Ever.

August 1, 2007

Today I will wake up from my long slumber and tell everyone that I will be posting every day this month (yes, even the weekends!).

I will also be changing the poll every week on Sundays.

June 22, 2007

Today, I will zzzzzz.... so tired... so tired... so tired...

June 17, 2007

Sorry I haven't let you in on what I've been doing for a while, but all week I've been engaged in planning a top-secret mission to spring a certain famous somebody from jail...

Then Mr. Wizard died and I just couldn't go on anymore.

June 12, 2007

Today, I will seed the world with happiness by planting balloons!!!

June 8, 2007

Today, I will work it for the weekend.

June 6, 2007

Today, I will struggle to get everything done.

June 5, 2007

Today, it is Tuesday. I will tues today!

June 4, 2007

Today, I will spy on a satellite, just to keep things even between us.

June 1, 2007

Today, I will celebrate the first day of June by dancing naked around a Pole. His name is Andrzej.

May 31, 2007

Today, I will propose to a stranger and then get cold feet when I'm asked to "fuck off".

May 30, 2007

Today, I will slip on an apple peel and come to understand two rules of fruit-based falls:
bananas=hilarious
apples=very, very sad.

May 29, 2007

Today, I will study the way kittens look at me. For science.

May 23, 2007

Today, it being a Wednesday, I will practice the Electric Slide.

May 22, 2007

Today, I will spot Bigfoot on a spaceship and photograph nothing.

May 18, 2007

Today, I will weave a basket out of my hair and put my tears into it.

May 17, 2007

Today, I will be shocked to discover that John Turturro is in the Transformers movie.

Bonus content: Since I missed yesterday, I thought I'd note that I learned this from the new Transformers trailer and that the trailer features a part where the yellow car robot is getting electrocuted: this scene will undoubtedly make me weep like a baby if I ever actually see the film.

May 15, 2007

Today, I will celebrate the anniversary of my birth.

May 14, 2007

Today, I will drive a Formula-1 race car so fast, it will, through the principles of Einstein's general theory of relativity, become a Formula-0.

May 11, 2007

Today, I will light up everyone's life. With a machete reflecting in the sun. Ooh! Lens flare!!!!

May 10, 2007

Today, I will give a speech about abortion, describing my position on the topic to everyone. My position: I am one. Thank you!

May 9, 2007

Today I will forget myself and become Robocop. I will hope that tomorrow never arrives.

May 8, 2007

Today, I will determine the worthiness of other people based on their attractiveness and call myself normal.

May 7, 2007

Today, I will break into my own house and steal my computer, hack into my checking account, and purchase a mule. When the mule shows up, I will try to explain the concept of identity theft to it. The mule will not understand and I will attribute this to stubbornness.

May 4, 2007

Today, I will deep-fry my soul and tenderize my heart in preparation for the all-you-can-eat-of-me buffet that is the weekend.

May 3, 2007

Today, I will solve the mystery of the disappearing bees. The answer: they're all on strike. Then I will call the ghost of President Calvin Coolidge to get these lazy red bees back to work!

May 2, 2007

Today, I will celebrate dos-de-mayo by doubling the amount of mayonnaise I put on my sandwiches while shouting "MUCHO DE MAYO!"

May 1, 2007

Today, I will eat 22 mayflies while throwing a javelin at some naked women.

April 30, 2007

Today, I don't have any ideas. I'm too stupid.

April 28-29, 2007

April 28, 2007

Today, I will suck it up.

April 29, 2007

Today, I will blow it out my ass.

April 27, 2007

Today, I will fall down the stairs. Seriously. I will fall down the stairs and that's what will cause my black eye. Also, I will run into a door knob. Man, I'm clumsy. Help Me.

April 26, 2007

Today, I will cut off my toes to spite my dance partner. Nobody puts my babies in a corner.

April 25, 2005

Today, I will smell like a man.

April 24, 2007

Today, I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will not commit homicide. I will commit to a four year lease.

April is the cruellest month.

Sorry for the lack of posts everyone. I got unexpectedly transmogrified into a busy bee. I'll be posting reliably again. That's a promise to you, the user.

April 23, 2007

Today, I will emerge from my cocoon, look around, and declare it nap time again. Butterflies are beautiful, but they work so hard.

April 8, 2007

Today, I will emerge from the crypt I was buried in on Friday and live to post again.

April 5, 2007

Today, I will snort my father's breast milk through my nose after he tells a funny joke whilst I suckle.

April 5, 2007

Today, I will snort my father's breast milk through my nose after he tells a funny joke whilst I suckle.

April 4, 2007

Today, I will fire myself as manager and editor of this blog. I mean, really, could yesterday's post have been any later? Then, I will miss my delightful posts so much that I hire myself back and everything is okay!

April 3, 2007

Today, I will file my taxes..... into my TO-DO pile!!! A HAHAH HAAHAHA HAHAHAHAAAHAHAAHAH!

April 2, 2007

Bring home the bacon? Tie my shoes? Stifle a pig's creativity? Open a nail salon? I will do none of these things today.

April 1, 2007

Today, I will fool you all into believing that I'm actually doing the stuff I say I'm going to do.

March 31, 2007

Today, I will follow a spider up a waterspout. Then, I will get flushed out when it rains. I will realize that I should have seen that coming.

March 30, 2007

Today, I will begin writing a radio drama about a feisty dermatologist who solves murders by analyzing the skin conditions of the victims. Since it's for radio, the lengthy descriptions of the way the victims' faces look are the key to success!

(rough version of a climactic scene)
Dr. Abrasiono: You see, look there, there's a protusion that's got a bit of pus leaking out. But it's not pus. It just looks like pus. If you put it under this microscope here, you can see that there are no bacteria. It's a type of skin cream. And in fact, I'd say that this protusion is, in fact, an abrasion.

Police: But how on earth can you know?

Dr. Abrasiono: See the grayish mottling on the skin running at a 45 degree angle from the jaw bone? That's a symptom of Parliognostictosis. But sufferers of Parliognostictosis can't use skin cream! It causes a rash. The killer must have put the skin cream on the abrasion to make it look like some kind of mitoankloitis! And that killer must have been suffereing from...

March 29, 2007

Today, I will bite into an apple and feel very guilty for inadvertently evicting a worm.

March 28, 2007

Today, I will wonder what the hell I did yesterday.

March 26, 2007

Today, I will plead not-guilty to any involvement in terrorist activites despite my imprisonment in Guantanamo Bay. Then, I will explode a heart-shaped waffle to show how the infidels, like Fredo, have broken my heart.

March 23-25, 2007

March 23
Today, I will begin stockpiling canned food in case the apocalypse occurs.

March 24
Today, I will just have a little bite to make sure the food is good and tasty...

March 25
Today, I will wake up with a stomach ache and recycle the cans.

March 22, 2007

Today, I will free a bear from a bear trap. I will offer him friendship, understanding, and trust. In return, he will offer me four million dollars along with a swipe across the face with his mighty paw. Neither of us will accept the other's offer as I am afraid of disfigurement and the bear has problems with intimacy.

March 21, 2007

Today, I will operate on myself to remove my sense of entitlement (i.e. my spleen).

March 20, 2007

Today, I will get a JOB!!!!!! I WIN!!!!!

Poll results

It's a tie between making candy from babies and can't decide (all so good). I let this one run longer than usual to see if the tie would be broken. Check it out!

A NEW POLL IS UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

March 19, 2007

Today, I will be afraid that all the people who used to bully me in high school will find me on MySpace and pick up where they left off.

March 16-18

March 16
Today, I will stop what I'm doing when I off-handedly think that Stripe, from Gremlins, may have just been misunderstood and not merely the evil Gremlin I always assumed him to be. I will think about this for over 132 minutes.

March 17
Today, I will write a song about Stripe--about his pain, his dreams, his fears--entitled Sunlight Doesn't Hurt the Most and bad-mouth certain Howie Mandel voiced Mogwais to everyone who will listen.

March 18
Today, I will watch Gremlins 2: The New Batch and wonder what Zach Galligan is doing today and then scour the internet for over 132 minutes, looking for his e-mail address so I can ask him myself.

March 15, 2007

Today, I will breathe in the fresh air of spring and bounce merrily along my way.















In men's clothing!!

March 14, 2007

Today, I will hide in bed fearing tomorrow, as I inexplicably and inevitably get into knife fights on the Ides of March.

March 13, 2007

Today, I will stifle my urge to pet an adorable kitten.

March 12, 2007

Today, I will pick up where Captain America left off, making apple pies for our home-run heroes and arguing with the British Parliament about the proper way to exploit the dear indiginous peoples in our respective colonial empires. I will throw that tea right in their smug faces.

March 9-11, 2007

March 9
Today I will divide my M&Ms according to their color.

March 10
Today I will divide my cells according to their color.

March 11
Today, I will hear Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech and feel so very, very guilty.

March 8, 2007

Today, I will make friends with the dying cancerous troll living in my basement. I will bring him cookies, wash his sores, and change his bedpan. When he cries out, I will be there to help soothe his anguish. And when he finally expires, I will hold his hand to aid him on his journey.

Then, I will cleave his head off with his battle axe, drink his blood, and take his belongings for my own. Perhaps I will do these things because this is how his "people" do things, or maybe it's just that he's got a Nintendo Wii and blood that tastes like candy.

The First Poll Results: Welcome to My Jlog.

It was a close race, but "jlog" beat out "bloke" by 1 vote!

See the exciting results here!
http://vote.sparklit.com/poll.spark/1031813

Oh, and a new poll is ready for your joke-votes. Jotes?

March 7, 2007

Today, I will be one member of a Grand Jury that will lie to Scooter Libby, so that he knows how it feels when people lie to you.

(The first lie will be, "We sentence you to death!" Imagine the look on his face!)

March 6, 2007

Today, I will put my name on a bunch of large asteroids in the hopes that one of them will head toward Earth. This will satisfy my overly grandiose feelings of importance to the world (one of whose side-effects is the very blog you are reading!) and will at least give me the chance to hear the sentence, "David Wester is threatening to destroy the world," play on the evening news.

March 5, 2007

Today, I will bake a square pie and decorate it with a skull and crossbones. When asked what kind of pie it is, I will reply, "That be pie arrrr squared," and launch into a peal of laughter.

March 2-4, 2007

March 2
Today I will decide that on Fridays, I will post what I'll be doing for the entire weekend.

March 3
Today I will wonder if this decision is a good idea.

March 4
Today I will forget about everything and fill up on bread.

March 1, 2007

Today I will embark upon a one-man effort to enforce New York's non-binding, symbolic ban on people saying "nifty."

February 28, 2007

Today I will begin selling tickets to next year's leap day party. Tickets are 29 American dollars apiece. My efforts will save the world from the looming global depression (both financial and emotional).

FYI: The party is scheduled to take place from 6:00 PM to 12:00 AM on February 29, 2008 and will be located inside of Dick Cheney's skull, so there's only room for six to seven thousand people.

February 27, 2007

Today, I will make candy from a baby.

I will sell this candy and donate my profits to a pro-life group thus ensuring that any further candies made from babies will be flavored with delicious irony. And probably sesame seeds.

February 26, 2007

Today I will name my dog Martin Scorsese and present him with an Oscar Meyer weiner.