September 30, 2008

Today I will egg my face.

September 29, 2008

Today, I will Atari my Commodore until I Apple II GS.

September 26, 2008

Today I will bail out of a plane and hope there's a huge ass pile of money below me.

September 25, 2008

Today I will mashed potato all over the kitchen and gravy my pants up.

September 24, 2008

Today I will celebrate hump day by growing a hump.

September 22, 2008

Today I will complain about the weather and my aching knees until the tide comes in and drowns me.

September 19, 2008

Today I will make an LOL Kitty by stuffing a Calico into my lungs while watching a Marx Brothers film.

September 18, 2008

Today I will punish Spain for trying to push Portugal into the sea, but allow Mexico to go unchallenged for its Yucatan Erection.

September 17, 2008

Today, my mind will be blown when I write down the date in numerical form.

9/17

9+1+7=17

Today is the 17th.

I will realize this holds true for all 9/1* dates.

And I will see the very face of God.

September 16, 2008

Today I will bash my head against a brick wall and hope that everything changes.

September 15, 2008

Today I will have a panic attack when I realize I'm not wearing a cumberbund with my speedo.

September 14, 2008

Today, I mourn the loss of David Foster Wallace. I am quite sad.

His thoughts on Kafka.

September 13, 2008

Today, I will beat up on a blanket to free the helpless pigs inside. Then I will put lipstick on them and accuse them of mocking Sarah Palin erroneously.

September 12, 2008

Today I will get a job. This blog has seen me get 2 jobs now. Weird.

September 11, 2008

Today I will remember Fred Hunt. If I could hold a pledge drive to bring him back to life, I would.

September 10, 2008

Today I will be inappropriately somber, thinking it is actually September 11.

September 9, 2008

Today I will use every part of the animal.

September 8, 2008

Today I will teach my dog all about abstinence and then neuter it so it doesn't embarrass me on the national stage.

September 7, 2008

Today I will make paper airplanes that can fly to the moon. I will be accused of running a monopoly which is ironic, since the airplanes are made of Monopoly money.

September 6, 2008

Today I will face my mirror to the side and examine its profile in order to determine if it has gained weight in the glass.

September 5, 2008

Today I will navigate the halls of justice on a big wheel and spell tort reform backwards on a mirror. Jack Nicholson will be involved.

September 4, 2008

Today, I will vomit up bullshit and go back to eat some more.

September 3, 2008

Today, I will fight the oligarchy by purchasing a single generic facial tissue and referring to it as a Kleenex.

September 2, 2008

Today, I will talk, think, and act like a creationist. I will do the world a favor by blowing my fucking brains out.